you love you learn, you cry you learn, you laugh you learn

..i can't believe i remember this password. to be honest, i'd doubt it if you did, too. it's one of the last memories of me you'll probably ever have.

i just want to say that i'm sorry.

i'm sorry for ever lying to you, i'm sorry for "forcing" you to do things you didn't want to do. i'm sorry for causing you emotional pain. i'm sorry that i ever said i loved you. i'm sorry that you had to lie and say you loved me back when you didn't mean it. i'm sorry that i didn't realize that at one point, you meant it. how was i supposed to know? i was, at that point, supposed to be getting over you. i'm sorry that we ruined a friendship, or rather, i ruined a friendship because i was blinded by love and what seems now like false emotion..

i know that apologies like this are stupid, but you won't talk to me in any other way of conversation, so i hope that one day, you'll see this journal entry, and you'll know that on one drunken night, all of my honesty came through. as much as i miss my larry, bono's got to realize that larry's moving on with his life, and that it's okay to do the same. as much as i'll miss our inside jokes, our kisses, our touching and inevitably, all that we had, friendship and lover wise, it's okay. if you can let go, so can i. i won't know if you'll ever really let go, and you'll never know if i do...

but it's worth the effort to say that i'll try. i'll never forget you because you were my first love, but i feel like i have to forget you, because according to little birdies, you never loved me.

i could be wrong. but until i know the truth, that's how i'll feel.

i wish you nothing but the best in life (99.7% of the time), and i hope that someday, our paths cross in a positive way, and maybe even somewhere down the line, we could be good friends again. just know that deleting me from facebook and twitter, although possibly necessary for you to cope with whatever the fuck YOU were feeling, really hurt my feelings and confused me... but what am i supposed to do? you never answered my messages or text messages, so why put forth more effort? i don't wanna waste my energy if it's not mutally returned.

anywho.

i wonder if you'll ever see this. i wonder if i'll ever get a response.

i wonder, i wonder...

good night, and good luck with everything. 

- xoxo, nic.

"Whiteness" as a racial category.

It doesn't sound like it should be so novel a concept, but it's one that I've begun to struggle with and the ways it applies to/affects me. I mean, I've always seen myself as average. I'm a white, middle class, heterosexual, female and I've always found that completely unremarkable. And when I make myself think about what gave me that idea, that being white made me unspecial somehow, I have no idea where it came from. I guess it could have come from school, when we learn history it's mostly from a white perspective at least in the early years and then later on, when students become cognizant of racial differences and most have come to associate with one or more of the given categories, they try to incorporate the different racial histories: like black history, mexican history etc. But I think it also comes from this warped idea that all whites are the oppressors. I've been noticing for a while now this thing that I've come to talk about as "reverse racism" (for lack of a better term) where the focus has always been white on color hate and discrimination to the point that even the non-racist white people, like myself, have grown up feeling this need to make up for something we didn't do. I've always kinda felt like I couldn't call attention to my race as a white person because THAT would be racist. That it was ok that there was a Black Student Union on campus but there could never be a White Student Union because THAT would be racist. But what really is racist is people making me feel like feeling like that was ok, because isn't that the definition of "racism"? One race being singled out or made to feel inferior? Well, I'm starting to feel the effects of too much focus on the white's being the bad guy. It's gotten to the point where I'm starting to feel victimized almost. Like I'm being robbed of my right to be white. I'm not saying that racism should now shift the other way and focus solely on the oppression of white people, that wouldn't solve this problem at all. What needs to happen is for people to FORGET race all together and stop just moving it from one category to another.
And now in my women's studies class I'm being told to look at race and I'm being faced with these same kinds of problems in a completely different fashion. I'm being told to look at my "whiteness" as a racial category and use that to help me find and address my social location. Well, I'm having trouble doing that because I've spent most of my life telling myself that being white was not a race. I don't feel like I have the right to claim a culture because that might offend someone. True most people consider popular culture to be "white culture" but that can't be true because if you look at popular culture you'll see that it's not just or about white people. That sort of thinking comes from society connecting this idea of "white" with the idea of "dominant" because they have been in the past. But where I went to high school, I was in the minority. We used to joke about how there were 6 white people in the whole school (which was an exaggeration, but there weren't very many), so there was really no way for "white culture" to be the dominant culture there. And we were proud of that fact. We were proud to say that our school had very few white people, and we would hate on Camarillo HS for being practically all white. Like they were doing something wrong by being that way, when in fact they were the same as us really. This "them" and "us" concept is an institution of racism, so were we being racist against Cam? I think the answer is yes. And that just gives a concrete example of my point.

Racism goes in all directions: against black people, against mexican people, AND even against white people. The only racist action is to not call anyone on it.

wasn't it supposed to get easier? now that we're "just friends"...i don't know if we're even capable of being "Just friends" we seem to keep falling back into old habits. and that's just ONE of the things re-complicating things. that and your friends making me feel like the villain.

i know that i said that what they think doesn't bother me, but i kinda lied. or not really lied so much as fudged a little. it sucks that i used to be your best friend. the one that you were ALWAYS texting and had all the inside jokes with and fan girl-ed over bands with. I used to be the one that you couldn't keep anything from...well, maybe that last one was a stretch but i'm just making a point. and now it's like...well, to be blunt: it's like i've been replaced. and i think that might be why we're so fucked in the head about this whole thing, cause i've been replaced as the BFF and not the GF and that's not what needed to happen. i need to be JUST the bf and i can't because you already have one of those, so we keep trying to make ourselves fit some other way and the only other way we relate to each other is sexually. and that just confuses things cause it leaves us wondering where we stand.

so yeah. i guess that's all i have to say right now.

Bad impressions. Either by what people tell them, or the fact that I tend to snub when i feel like I've been snubbed. But that's about it.

So, my RA is leaving for Brazil next quarter. And I'm sad. For many reasons:

1) He's a pretty cool RA. He's funny and chill and ok to talk to most of the time. I started out the year really close to him (well, as close as you can be to an RA, it's actually a kinda weird situation. you're not really allowed to know who they really are cause it's a get friendly but not too friendly kinda job) but this quarter we just stopped hanging out. I don't really know why, but it kinda sucks, especially now that he's leaving. Oh well, can't change what's already happened.

2) He made me feel comfortable here like no one else could. He's from Oxnard too you see, so it was like having a bit of home here. It was really nice and kept me from getting ridiculously home sick. So I'll miss that.

3) I kinda had a little crush on him...well, had/have what does it matter now right? Or really what did it ever matter? It was probably just my mind being like "hey, he's nice and from Oxnard *likes*" so yeah, there's that part of me that is sad. But that's a very small part of me that's sad. 99% is the first two reasons.

So yea, that's it. Just me getting my sad thoughts out before they manifest in some potentially embarrassing way.

And it's not like I'm NEVER gonna see him again. He'll be around next year. I don't know if the offer's still good, but he promised we'd party next year. LOL.

by NOT studying for finals! <3

i just did this right now. i read yours and it made me want to respond someway...so i did. 
sorry... 

hope it's not bad. :D

estoy en VC hoy y no tengo nada para hacer. so i'm writing in my livejournal that i just remembered i had.

but i know not how to make anything facy and cool looking. so it's just words. because i got one reply to my "help wanted" post *cough*nicole!*coughcough* and she didn't help me. lol.

but it's ok. i'll survive because i actually never come on here...and she deleted me anyways...that's awesome of my best friend huh? deleting me from her LJ. but i digress.
(and i kid nicole. you can relax)

nicole: *bwaaaaaaah!!!asdjlfkdaloile!p;'2'21!@ ijfeijfgo WHY?! WHY?!?!?! .... *dies*

like i said. RELAX.

nicole: *zen* hooooooommmmm...

DO YOUR WORK!

ugh...she's sitting righ next to me. and therefore is not paying attention to her class. ONE page? wow. i think i'm typing one page right now...double spaced too? wow...very tiny paper.



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i have dead stuck in my head. hard core. for days. but just the "lalala" part...which is fun untill a certain point. then: not so much...

nicole's philosophy teacher is a tool. he gives his opinions about the government (which has NOTHING to do with philosophy...but ok) as if they are fact. with no proof or reason behind them at all. and it's all negative. if he thinks our counrty sucks so bad he should move. go to china. see how you like it when you can't talk about the stuff you do in public because you would be shot. i dare you.
...
anyway.

(nicole is reading slash...in class...hahaha.)

nicole: *wtf* ...burnout...

you love me. and it's not like anyone cares. obviously. hahahaha.

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this is so long because i haven't done this in forever. and i have nothing else to do. please, if anyone actually reads this (all one and a half of my friends) please stop now.

nicole: she feels left out 'cuz erryone else is typing and she's not. LAWL. hotah/kay

...why the ghetto spanglish in my entry nicole? why?

nicole: uh... i..i don't know. u_u'

i'll forgive you if you type an entire entry like that.

nicole: in slang and spanglish?

in ghetto and spanglish.

nicole: that's what slang IS...genius... ok. as long as i get to do an english translation in an LJ cut.

...what's an LJ cut?



nicole: ... anyways. XD

oh. ok. you may translate in a linky thing. hahahaha. 

nicole: thnx! ^_^ v

now DO YOUR ESSAY!

nicole: *angry face*

NOW. 

nicole: *types*

good girl. =) i lurve you!

nicole: yeah, yeah. end this damn thing already. lol ;)

NO! i'll have to start another one!

i'm B O R E D. 

like WOW.

shut up. TYPE. GO NOW! WORK! SCHOOL! DO EET!

ok. i'm done. BYE!

now i need to know how to navigate this place... i finally figures out myspace pretty well.... does anybody want to help me figure this thing out?

.... anybody?

for the sake of humanity and privacy (we're gonna be talking some mad shit); this journal is now





~Nicole

weeeeeeeeeee! i've need aplace to vent... but i'm always nervous bout complaining online... i probly won't use names... unless this thing is private and then i will... and yes it will be hilarious!! we'll look back on this in a few years and go "oh.. boy we were lame!" lol.. anyway.. i'm excited.. and fix it up all you want! kiss kiss!

YAY! We have a LJ! Megan! This is where we can come to vent!! YESSSS.

We're awesome!
Let's make it random and funny and....random!

=)